Open Letter To Festival Thieves: Stay Home You Wretched Wooks

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Some say you klepto clowns should be drawn and quartered as part of the closing ceremony.

Others insist all that’s needed to change your scummy ways is a sensitive sit down, some soothing nagchampa and a spot of reiki.

I, for one, think if you’re stealing at a festival created to foster peace, love, unity and respect, you deserve a hearty lecture from the best in the biz. And, as someone whose been lectured by cops, priests, bartenders and one hell of a long-suffering mother, that person is me.

So, without further ado, here are a few things you should know about your penchant for the five-finger-discount…


1. Unattended Does Not Mean Free, Fuckhead

There are a million and one reasons an trusting/absent-minded/careless partygoer might leave something sweet in the dirt around the dance floor, and not wanting that thing is rarely one of them.

Don’t assume that just because there’s nobody guarding that hula hoop/bicycle/cool jacket that it’s up for grabs. If you find something cool, be a sport and drop it off at lost and found.

Also: Google “theft by find” and you’ll see that “finders keepers losers weepers” is not a thing, dummy.


2. Your Mates Are Shitheads

If you arrived broke but keep turning up to camp with trinkets and treats, people are going to notice. And, if your friends don’t care that you’re cool with casually breaking one of the world’s most universal moral codes, guess what… Your mates are total losers.

Like attracts like, so don’t be surprised when they swipe something from you (whether that be your Beatles shirt, your wallet or your girlfriend). As the old saying goes, “There’s no honor among thieves!”.


3. People Know You’re A Thief.

Just because nobody has called you out yet, doesn’t mean that you’re the James Bond of esky-thieving.

Some people will not confront a thief because they either assume it’s too dangerous, or because they want to gather evidence and take it to the police/festival staff/nearest staunch mate they have. Word gets around in this community, and karma will certainly catch up to you my sticky-fingered-friend.


4. You Need To Stop Or Seek Help

In his evaluation of murderer Richard Hickock, Truman Capote said:

“Dick loves to steal. It’s an emotional thing with him – a sickness. I’m a thief too, but only if I don’t have the money to pay. Dick, if he was carrying a hundred dollars in his pocket, he’d steal a stick of chewing gum.”

Sound familiar? Compulsive stealing, much like other compulsive behaviours (drug abuse, gambling, sex addiction etc) is rooted in the inner parts of your psyche. And, when left unchecked, it will ruin your life.

Whether you feel wrongfully entitled to things that aren’t yours, you crave the attention you’ll get, or you just can’t help yourself your behaviour is not normal and other people do not deserve to be subjected to it. Get help.

Or, if you’re a remorseless pilferer with absolutely no change of heart on the horizon, do us all a favour and just stay home.

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