Link Found Between Shade Of A Cop’s Hat and Likeliness of A Police Search

An investigation into the behavioural traits of Australia’s Police force has uncovered an unlikely link between colour and conduct. The new research carried out by behavioural Psychologist Dr. Gordan Peeperson suggests that the lighter the shade of hat worn by a law enforcer, the more likely they are to take their job too seriously.

New research suggests that cops wearing a lighter shade of hat are more likely to try and strip search you this summer.

Dr Peeperson suggests festival punters should refer to Dulux’s Colour Chart (above) to determine if they will have a hard time entering an event. Lighter shades such as ‘Quantum Blue’ may be created when standard-issue Police hats are subject to prolonged sun-bleaching, suncream smears and salty sweat residue deposited after chasing drug mules and fence jumpers. It is thought that these more pastel shades may indicate a more ‘no fuss’ style when it comes to drug policy. 

“Yeah, nah, I thought I was good aye,” says 22-year-old Blake Sookson, a festival punter from Sydney who was recently victim to no-tolerance policing.

As it turns out, Blake was found in possession of two capsules of MDMA, which could see the Arts student face extensive fines, up to two years in jail and a heavy restriction of using the Sookson family’s Volkswagen Golf on weekends. 

Despite Blake being caught with a scheduled narcotic substance, new research suggests that the fan of ‘progressive electronic’ music didn’t stand a chance, as the Policeman in question was sporting a hat matching the colour ‘Hindsight’.

“It was fucked. That cop’s hat was basically white. As if they can’t afford to give those c***ts new hats. He shoved that dopey mongrel right between my nuts, I had no chance man,” stated a distressed Mr Sookson, as his father organised bail payments. 

As part of a new harm-minimisation strategy, Dr Peeperson said he would be handing out Dulux brochures out the front of summer events to help to educate young adults. Dr Peeperson offered us a few words of advice on what to expect from the behaviour of Police with various colours of hats:

“Stronger colours, such as ‘Black Blueberry’ are likely to represent an enthusiastic but not ultimately jaded police person. Young officers sporting such colours may be a bit ‘strip happy’, however, they are unlikely to be too heavy-handed as they probably had an older cousin who used to go to festivals and will tend to ‘get it’ a bit more. 

However, exercise caution as this colour might also indicate an older officer who does things by the books and likes to sport a new issue uniform every year.”

“Mild fading, or somewhere in the region of ‘Blue Regent’ is the sweet spot. Police wearing a hat of this colour will usually have a moderate amount of experience and general human reason and empathy. Police-people sporting this colour usually know there’s probably bigger fish to fry than you and your stick of shitty weed.

Now what you really want to look out for is anything lighter than ‘Quantam Blue’. These f*ckers are sentimental about the hat the received on day one of police academy. Let me tell you they’ll be equally as sentimental about getting you naked and having a good look at your cavities. In fact, they’ll probably just whisper ‘sit’ to the damn labrador if you’ve got a smile on your face and hair past your shoulders, at which point you’ll probably not be let back in even if you aren’t carrying narcotics”

‘“Try to remember this simple rhyme “If it’s lighter than the sky, you can kiss your freedom goodbye”

We reached out to Delux for a statement but are yet to receive a response.

Written by Luka Osborne

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