An Open Letter To Goat Owners: Stop Bringing Your Hipster Pet To Doofs

Hey you! Yeah, you in the overalls with the straight fringe, a cold brew coffee in one hand and a goat on a rope in the other.

Enough is enough.

You need to stop bringing your bloody goat to doofs.

They’re dangerous. They’re destructive. They’re anti-social.

And they suffer when you take them to parties.

Goats are unsafe.

Sure, when they’re fluffy little kids, goats are just adorable.

But, like every ill-conceived pet, they don’t stay small forever. Fully-grown goats are strong creatures that are difficult to control. If they decide they really like/dislike a person, they’re going to put their hooves, horns and hard head to good use. Whether or not they are being aggressive or playful when they charge, the resulting carnage will be squarely on you.

You wouldn’t bring a person whose go-to move is head-butting to a party. So don’t bring your goat.

Goats destroy everything.

Goats are a massive pain in the ass to both your fellow campers and to site owners.

Campers hate them because they like to rub up against things and, as I’m sure you’re aware, not too many tents have enough reinforcement to withstand a goat’s advances.

Site owners (and festival organisers) hate them because they tear the place up. Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not the goat’s fault that it needs to browse on a lot of fresh plant life. It’s the owner’s fault for bringing them onto someone else’s property knowing they routinely damage whole landscapes, leaving only a dirty patch where the vegetation once was.

Goats are anti-social.

Yes, goats can be quite affectionate to humans. But they don’t gel with other popular species and they can still be annoying as hell.

Bring them to a pet-friendly doof and shit is going to go down as soon as they lock eyes with a dog. Dogs are predators, goats are prey. Dogs eat goats. And it’s not the dog owner’s fault. It’s your fault. For bringing a fucking goat to a doof.

Oh, and if you’re thinking “It’s ok, the doofs I go to don’t allow dogs!” perhaps you should ask yourself why the hell they’d allow goats?

Based on their ambient level of sound alone, goats are way worse guests than dogs are.

Goats can get loud as hell – especially when they’re distressed. Their sounds range from disturbing grunts to the shrieks of a woman screaming bloody murder.

Inflicting these noises on other campers who are trying to sleep or perhaps even tripping is ridiculously selfish.

Exhibit A: Loud goats being loud.

The bottom line

At the end of the day, I’m not hating on goats. And I’m not even hating on people who have pet goats. There are plenty of goat owners who lovingly care for their weird little livestock babies and in doing so give them a good life.

But if you love your goat, and you love your doofs, please: Do us all a favour and leave your kid at home.

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