4 New Age Sayings We Should All Stop Saying

Trends come and go, I know that.

But I’m calling it: The latest lean towards linguistic mayhem has got to stop.

Words mean things, and when it comes to New Age lingo, the path towards literary enlightenment is littered with violently inaccurate vocabulary.

1. “White Light”

When I first moved into this share house, the woman I was living with invited me to attend the University of Enlightenment for a group Reiki session.

She eagerly described how I would experience a channel of “white” light penetrating through the roof and connecting me directly to the cosmos.

So, of course, I went.

And as everyone lay still and shut their eyes, I peeked… and saw no light sabre.

No breathtaking column of “white” light came through the plasterboard ceiling and into my consciousness.

Afterwards, I found myself unable to use “white light” energy to cure my own disappointment, let alone send it to people in need, eliminate diseases or “fight pest control”.

This is because “white light” is literally defined as “the complete mixture of all the wavelengths of light on the visible spectrum.”

It’s a way of describing invisible electromagnetic radiation, and you can get this “white light” from the sun or even just a good old-fashioned light bulb. There’s no reason, however, you would experience an extra-terrestrial burst of it by sitting in the shade and focussing your mind magic.

If your energy master doesn’t know this – you might want to review his accreditation.


2. ‘Intuitive’ Anything

The word intuitive means, “Using or based on what one feels to be true even without conscious reasoning; instinctive.”

Relying on your intuition is a great way to approach human interactions, the smell of ham that’s been in the fridge for a while, or what colour crochet yarn you wish to use.

When it comes to employing the services of masseuses, therapists, nutritionists, or other holistic healer-types, however, you will probably want to find someone who will thoroughly evaluate your health history before attempting to issue a diagnosis or prognosis.

“Intuitive”, when used to describe health services, is code for “I’m just gonna wing it”.

If you’re going to rely on someone’s inherent power to feel where your body needs attention, make that person you.

… but actually, am I going to be OK?

3. ‘Unconditional Love’

For something to be deemed “unconditional”, it must be free from limitations, expectations and requirements.

Yet finding “true love” is entirely dependent on the subject of your love meeting a set of conditions which differentiate that person from anyone else you might encounter.

Ironic, huh?

When the “real” them comes out.

4. “‘The Law of Attraction”

I know, I know, what you put out you’ll pull in. What you think, you create, blah, blah, blah.

But here’s the thing: It’s not a “law”.

While there is some evidence to suggest that mirroring is a psychological phenomena, to say that this is “a statement of fact, deduced from observation, to the effect that a particular natural or scientific phenomenon always occurs if certain conditions are present.” is a bit of a stretch.

The “Law of Attraction” is ultimately heuristic device driven by confirmation bias. Of course if you don’t try you’ll never succeed. But sometimes, you will try and fail because life is life and it’s not always fair.

Good things happen to shitty people, and shitty things happen to good people.

Sometimes your intentions are great but you still get shit all over.

This article was written by Alexandra Sarre, an optimistic cynic. You might also enjoy her other pieces:

Dear “Organic” Tobacco Smokers: Open Your Fucking Eyes

Real v Fake: Which Fur Is More Ethical

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