Dear “Organic” Tobacco Smokers: Open Your Fucking Eyes

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“It’s addictive-free though!” he said.

“It’s fucking dry and tastes like shit,” I replied.

I looked at the packet and smiled. On this pouch of organic tobacco, it quite clearly stated: “Free of additives’.


I wondered if he’d misread or just not noticed that the centre of this argument, the nitty-gritty of our embroilment, was a teeny, tiny, dyslexic moment.

My friend was trying to convince me that the pouch of Champion Ruby I was smoking was ‘waaaaaaayyyy more toxic’ than his American Spirit.

Whether or not the tobacco you smoke is organic, blessed by Gandhi himself, and has the blood of a virgin sacrifice silted through it for heightened aromatic tendencies hardly matters, though.

And the fact that you think it’s safer is plain stupid.

The nicotine is addictive, not the fibres of the leaf (and, if the additives were as addictive as nicotine, you’d find broke smokers shooting up Clag glue and inhaling the fumes from a plastic takeaway container).

Smoking exposes your scillia – those tiny finger-like projections that sweep our lungs of gunk – to heat. When not swept, this gunk can harbour bacteria and cause infections or allow fluid to sit there in stagnancy. Picture a swamp in the middle of an Australian summer, complete with pools of millimetre-deep water with algae and the mosquitos on top. That’s what’s going on in your lungs.

This is also why old smokers cough. Their scillia has been burnt to smithereens and now the finger-like projections lay flacid, like a 19-year-old’s dick at the end of a three day music festival where he invested in nothing but pingas and Doritos.

Off the top of my head, I’ll give you ten reasons why you should smoke.

  1. Death is inevitable.
  2. Your life is your choice.
  3. Sometimes a wine and a cigarette is exactly what I feel like.
  4. I don’t eat sugar or processed foods and therefore can justify tobacco as my toxin of choice.
  5. What comes out of an exhaust pipe is also pretty fucking gross.
  6. In terms of keeping you regular, a cigarette is a lot nicer than a glass of Metamucil.
  7. Regardless of government attempts, it does remain social. Smokers chat. At pubs, at train stations, at festivals. They give to each other with a very special and exclusive empathy.
  8. It’s hipster as fuck. Would Bob Dylan have been as sexy without a cigarette in the side of his mouth? Let alone Keith Richards, Katherine Zeta-Jones or Leonardo DiCaprio…
  9. Smoking mimics the effects of SSRI antidepressants.
  10. Population control.

Smoke all you want.

But own it.

Put your nicotine-stained fingers to the stars and admit that it is a shit habit.

… a shit habit that is directly related to the development of cardiovascular disease, kidney disease, erectile dysfunction, decreased sperm count, lung cancer, yellow fingers, snapouts at your partner when you’re craving one, and, health warnings aside, the unfairness experienced by non-smokers when you get to have a break and they don’t.

And for fuck’s sake, don’t pretend it’s any healthier if it’s organic or not.

You’ve been sucked into a marketing campaign. Open your fucking eyes.

Love,

Alexandra.


This article was written by Alexandra Sarre, an optimistic cynic. You might also enjoy her other pieces:

Real v Fake: Which Fur Is More Ethical

Do Men Like Louder Music Than Women?

Wild Horses 2018: A Weekend Trip Covering All Basses


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