Australian outdoor festival organisers are in shock today after an outspoken doctor publicly criticised their tried and true ‘turn it up to turn it up’ method.
Doctor Canunot of Brisbane’s Mater Hospital has begged festival organisers to prioritise quality of music over quantity of sound, adding that while poor taste is curable, deafness is not.
“At this stage we’re still trying to figure out whether their ridiculously loud, monotonous beats are causing hearing impairment, or whether only hearing impaired people like that type of music,” Doctor Canunot said.
Festival organisers across the country were quick to reject Dr Canunot’s statements.
“I don’t even know what an Otolaryngologist is. Your stage name sucks, so take that, Idiotorologists!” independent Cairns-based festival organiser and part-time DJ UrmomXXX – otherwise known as John – savagely clapped back.
When asked why he was refusing to listen to criticism, DJ UrmomXXX replied: “What?”
When asked again, DJ UrmomXXX again replied: “I’m sorry, WHAT? Speak up, c***!”
Another leading professional within the festival management business, Ayurveda Psytree, invited us to his share-house to talk about the developments.
“How else are we meant to pump the crowds up? There really is no better way than oscillating between cranking it right on the bass drop and putting a single banger on an endless loop,” Mr Psytree said, casually pushing aside a dirty plate on his couch to sit down.
“I mean, how do these people sleep at night without the dull and constant ringing in their ears?” he asked.
Veteran festival organiser Macca Smoko, another member of the share-house, assured Dreamland’s reporter, “All this medical nonsense will blow over in time.”
“Look, I know what I’m doing, I’ve been in this game for fifteen months,” Mr Smoko said between vapes.
“Fads like this come and go. Just crank the music up and drown out the yelling, that’s what I do.”
This article was written by journalist by day and satirist by night Daneka Hill.