If you haven’t met one of these loveable dickheads, I’ve got news for you buddy: You are the loveable dickhead.
1. The Leathery, Legendary Original Doofer
Occupation: Shaman/reiki therapist/hobby gardener
Likes: Letting everyone know he’s a bit of a “doof dad”, showing off his fool-proof campsite set up, reminiscing about how doofs were better when you had to be on a secret mailing list to get invited, telling you the names of things.
Dislikes: The man, the grid, the way the scene’s changed.
Catch-cry: “Back in the 90’s…”
Why you secretly love him: When you forget your bloody tent poles he’s got fifty spare tents tucked in the back of his hippie van. Sure, they’re caked in an unholy amalgamation of dust and bodily fluids, but you just say “thanks” and try not to think about it.
2. The Ciggy Butt Brain
Likes: Ride-on eskis, snapbacks, Macklemore, the freedom of sporting a bit of glittery paint without some other dickhead yelling “gaaaay!”
Dislikes: The effort it takes to walk to a bin, warm tinnies, singlets with regular size sleeve holes.
Why you secretly love him: By ripping a ear-shattering fart half way through an intense meditative yoga sesh, he’ll destroy any culty vibes and help you release your own inhibitions and gases.
3. The Farkin’ Freeloader
Occupation: Applying for 10 jobs each fortnight.
Likes: Gettin’ “lifts into the festie” from strangers, bragging about how he knows the organisers because he vollies every year, the kindness and generosity of the doofing community
Dislikes: Sleeping in the chill zone because he assumed he’d pick up and sadly did not bring a tent, longingly staring at gainfully employed festival-goers dipping their hot, salty, sweet potato chips into creamy home-made aioli, work.
Catch-cry: “Oi I’ll trade ya this crystal for a ciggie?” (It’s quartz. It’s always quartz.)
Why you secretly love him: He’s got no shame, so you know he’ll go in to bat for you when you’re down and out. Tell him what you need and watch as he saunters between campsites scabbing smokes, weed, or ice (frozen water, you gronk) on your behalf.
4. The Manic Organic
Occupation: Yoga instructor/DJ/part-time TAFE student
Likes: Instagramming #WhatVegansEat, helping women activate their kundalini energy, ketamine
Dislikes: Social media, festival creeps, putting “chemicals” into his body
Catch-cry: “Did you know that…”
Why you secretly love him: His rigid standards aren’t limited to food. Stick with him and his persistent demands for locally-sourced, untainted DMT will pay off.