Octopus Dosed With MDMA “Pretty Fucking Annoying Actually”

Satire

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An octopus dosed with MDMA by scientists has been described as “the most annoying cephalopod ever” by several octopuses he allegedly stroked and stared at throughout the experiment.

The octopus, who cannot be named for legal reasons, spent the first thirty minutes after he was drugged pestering the researchers about when the MDMA was going to “kick in”.

One hour later, he started sweating ink profusely before professing the incredible connection he felt with “every octopus in his tribe.”

“We all bleed the same shade of blue man,” he said, repeatedly during the night.

Several octopuses in his enclosure have made complaints about his behaviour.

“He was sweatier than Rolf Harris at a Blue Light Disco mate, and all he wanted to do was wrap his tentacles around me. I mean, how many times can I say, ‘I love you too man’ before it loses all meaning?” one octopus told Dreamland Magazine.

“Eight arms, man, he was touching all of us at once! It was very uncomfortable… I know we’re under water but, fuckin’ rip a cone and calm down cunt,” another octopus said.

“The only way I could get him to shut the fuck up was to put on MGMT and push a pack of Extra into his creepy little beak,” he said.

The scientists who conducted the experiment have also distanced themselves from the octopus, after it flooded their phones with text messages saying, “Ayye hav u seen molly? ;)) ;)” for several weeks after the experiment ended.

 

 

 

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