Chlamydia In The Grass: 2.84% of Festival-Goers Test Positive


71 out of the 2500 people who traded a cup of their pee-pee in exchange for VIP access to last year’s Splendour in the Grass ended up testing positive for chlamydia.

The festival is using its “Down to Test” program to raise awareness of a massive rise in sexually transmitted infections (STI) in horny young people.

72% of people who have “the clap” don’t know about it, and it’s estimated that 1000 of this year’s 30,000 attendees will have chlamydia.

Anyone who gets tested on-site will not only find out if their genitals are a biological weapon, they’ll also gain access to a VIP area containing toilets that aren’t filthier than Satan’s bum hole, a phone charging station (because selfies) and a make-up bar (also because selfies).

The festival does not screen for other STIs.

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