If RedTube, Google images, and the vibe I get whenever I enter my local BCF store are anything to go by, people LOVE masturbating while camping. I myself have indulged in my fair share of wigwam wanks, and I can tell you right now: It’s pretty in-tents.
There are, however, quite a few things that can go wrong while rubbing one out in a foreign environment. That’s why, as an avid festival-goer and frequent masturbator, I’ve written this blog. Just follow my handy tips (heh heh heh) and I guarantee that your next camping trip will be hotter than a jalapeno’s arsehole.
1. Getting randy? Wash those handies!
Infections kill erections (and yeast leaves you ungreased), so make sure you wash your hands before you get to work.
Also: Using alcohol-based hand sanitisers in lieu of soap and water is not a good idea. Unless, of course, you’re into that intense burning sensation, in which case why not go all out and just light your junk on fire?! Your nether regions will be bacteria free in no time, and you’ll get that sexy hairless look without having to spend valuable time and money on shaving. Winning!
2. Zip up your tent before you vent
There are two great reasons to secure your dwelling before you start propelling:
The first, arguably less important reason, is that showing unsuspecting passersby your genitals glistening in the moonlight is somewhat frowned upon in our society. Yes, yes, I know. When monkeys do it it’s funny. But when humans do it it’s a crime – that’s just the world we live in (also: doing it with monkeys is a crime as well, although doing it in front of monkeys is still very much a legal grey area).
The second far more important reason to zip up is that even though you are masturbating, there is a still a tonne of creatures that want to eat your dick/pussy/ass. It’s just that none of them are human. Have you ever been bitten on the bone zone by a mozzie? No? Well, let me tell you, it’s a vicious cycle of itching, scratching, rubbing, slapping, arousal, pain and more itching.
3. Turn off your torch or lantern.
Remember those old school projectors we used to use in science class? Well, the same physics apply to tent masturbation! The torch is the projector’s light, your tent is the wall, and your hard-at-work hands and genitals are the tiny slide that magically becomes gigantic enough for everyone to see.
Remember: Fleshlight = Good. Flashlight = Bad.
4. Ensure you’re alone.
Generally speaking, it’s impolite to masturbate in the presence of others. If you’re sharing a tent with someone, a simple “Hey, can I masturbate in front of you?” will go a long way towards maintaining your friendship.
There you have it! A beginner’s guide to masturbating while camping. Got a hot tip of your own? We’d love to hear it.