“Polyamorous” Guy at Festival Actually Just a Fuck Boy

Satire

A 19-year-old Byron Bay man has been ordered to stop telling women he is “polyamorous”, after an investigation into his sexual history revealed “a distinct absence of the two main components of any romantic relationship: orgasms and respect.”

Oliver Dylan, a part-time yoga teacher and electro pop DJ, has been charged with 13 counts of fraud and 182 counts of delivering a half-arsed sexual experience.

“I don’t get what the big deal is. I am a feminist – I LOVE women. Maybe even a little too much,” Mr Dylan told Dreamlamd Magazine in a candid interview this week.

“Isn’t that what polyamory is all about? Making love to as many women as possible?” he asked.

Mr Dylan’s former suitors, however, this week told the courts his “love making” falls well below what any reasonable person would expect to experience in a similar situation:

“He did that thing where he started humping my leg when we were grinding on the dance floor. I should have known then that there’s no way he’d studied tantric sex in Peru.”

“I thought polyamory would mean he’d have experience satisfying multiple people on a long-term basis. He’s only had experience pleasing one person on a very short term basis, if you know what I mean.”

“He told me he was in an open relationship but resisted all my attempts to move our chat from WhatsApp to Facebook. Oh, and he also gave me chlamydia.”

Mr Dylan’s trial will resume on the 4th of June. Prosecutors are urging other men and women who missed sick sets because they were fucking him to come forward.

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