A new poll conducted by Literally-Every-Subculture Research has revealed 100% of doofers believe mainstream attendees have been worryingly diluting the underground scene ever since they first left the mainstream to start attending the underground events.
The poll, which also asked doofers what they think the scene’s core values are, showed:
• 5% of doofers tore apart the perforated voting slip and tried to eat it
• 14% covered the ballot with visionary art before asking surveyors if they’ve ever done reiki before
• 81% of doofers said social inclusion and friendliness were the cornerstones of the scene
Major festival organisers are now scrambling to find ways to ensure only people who uphold these core values attend their events.
Kombucha Changafiend, a 36-year-old woman who identifies as an “original doofer” has approached several organisers urging them to force ticket buyers to complete a short questionnaire confirming:
• How long they have been “in the scene” (and if they have religiously bought tickets to the same event every year since then)
• They promise not to tell anyone uncool about our cool secret parties
• If the doof site has no running water, sewage facilities or access to emergency services, they won’t judge organisers or people who poo on the dance floor
“I’ve been going to doofs since 1997 and let me tell you – things have changed! Back then, all ya needed was a car stereo, six friends, a half ounce of speed and a bush to piss behind. No tickets, no council regulations, no rules. Sure, we had to bury a body now and then, but that was just the scene,” Kombucha said.
One festival organiser has used the newcomer-induced disillusionment within the scene to unveil an exciting new party for doof purists.
The event, which is set to be hosted on a pristine private island that no cops can get to, will feature international artists playing across multiple immaculately designed stages.
Ticket numbers will be capped at 40 and are $12,000 each.
“We are going to call it Fuck You’re Really Enlightened Festival – or FYRE for short,” the organiser told Dreamland Magazine.